Growing Wiser
by silverthorned
Summary: Tara pov. Post "Older and Far Away." Spike won't let Tara's comments go. Set in the same universe as my other story, "Helping Heal."


Title: Growing Wiser  
Author: silverthorned  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, creator.  
Category: Tara/Spike friendship, Spike/Buffy  
Summary: Tara pov. Post "Older and Far Away." Spike won't let  
Tara's comments go.  
  
*  
  
"Hey!"  
  
He sounded angry. I didn't care, but I turned around anyway. I  
waited for him to catch up to me, hand on my hip.  
  
"Yeah, Spike?" I said.  
  
He stopped in front of me, his coat still swaying.  
  
"What was that in there?"  
  
I widened my eyes innocently, even though I knew exactly what he  
was asking. I said, "What do you mean?"  
  
"You know bloody well what I'm talking about, witch." His voice  
was deep with resentment.  
  
I raised an eyebrow disdainfully.  
  
"Oh, so we're back to 'witch' now."  
  
He jutted his jaw out, and then said, "Sure fits your attitude."  
  
"You know, right now I don't care what you think."  
  
"Tough." He looked at me a little more closely, "I get it," he  
said slowly. "You're jealous."  
  
"That's ridiculous." But I knew I was lying, and I couldn't look  
him in the eyes.  
  
"It's not. You don't like the attention I've been paying Buffy."  
  
"Right and you're miffed because I've been treating you like  
crap. Well, I have a good reason for that, and I know you've  
already suspected what it is. But why don't I just lay it down?  
I know. I know what you've done to Buffy," I pointed to his eye,  
"and why she did that. What were you thinking, Spike?"  
  
"What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking much, _Tara_." The  
swagger and innuendo were unbearable. At that moment, all I  
wanted to do was slap him. Instead, I shook my head, turned on  
my heel and stalked away.  
  
He caught up to me, and touched my shoulder. I jerked away and  
continued walking. He kept pace with me, silent in that  
aggravating way he has.  
  
Finally, I stopped and said, maybe a little too loudly, "Are you  
happy now, Spike? Now that you've gotten what you've always  
wanted?"  
  
He looked down, suddenly without the anger. He sounded bitter  
when he said softly, "This isn't what I wanted."  
  
This was the Spike I was used to dealing with, the gentle,  
awkward, sensitive man. But I had no pity for him right then.  
Willow's admission had made me feel betrayed, Buffy's  
admission had made me feel lost, and his keeping it from me had  
left me feeling alone and angrily unsympathetic.  
  
"Leave it to you not to think of the consequences. You just  
slipped in and didn't care a wink about what she'd feel. I never  
knew you could be that cruel." I walked away from him again,  
not bothering to look back.  
  
I heard a flurry of pounding steps and he swept quickly in front  
of me. I gasped and barely avoided bouncing off his chest.  
  
He said, "No, don't you leave me, Tara. Obviously nearly five  
months of friendship don't mean anything to you, but they bloody  
do to me. You're the only one who actually listens to me and I'm  
never going to let that go, you hear me?"  
  
I stood dumbstruck at the ferocity of this declaration, my mouth  
open.  
  
He pointed at it and said, "That could freeze, you know."  
  
I shut it with a snap of teeth.  
  
He said, "So, you know. She probably swore you to secrecy, too."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Not surprising."  
  
"No, not at all, Spike. You're tearing her up inside."  
  
"Don't you think I know that?"  
  
I sighed, "Spike, this is bad for both of you. I can't stand by  
and watch this with any measure of support."  
  
"Listen, pet, I know what you think, and you know that I love  
her. It isn't my call, never has been. Fate has got us in her  
clutches now and only she knows how this will end. I can't leave  
her, anymore than I could stop drinking blood. I've got a little  
sliver at a chance for happiness and I'm going to cling to it as  
long as I can, even if she hates me until she dies, or I die.  
She may not be giving me what I want, but she's giving me  
something, and I'll take all that she can give."  
  
I looked at him and said the only thing I could.  
  
"Spike, you are seriously screwed."  
  
He inclined his head forward, closer to mine.  
  
"So you've come to that conclusion, too, have you, love?"  
  
"You know where I stand, Spike."  
  
"Yes, and I can accept that, but this is Buffy's choice."  
  
"I know, Spike, I know, but you're just making it worse for her.  
You may love her, but I have to be honest--you don't really know  
how to love her."  
  
"I'm trying, Tara, I really am. This," he pointed to his face,  
"is because I tried too hard."  
  
I moved closer to him, and touched his face gently. Even though  
I knew I hadn't hurt him he still flinched.  
  
I said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry she doesn't love you."  
  
He took my hand and held it away from his face. He said, "How do  
you do that?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Be so forgiving."  
  
"Because I know you, Spike. I know you're trying. You're wrong,  
those months do mean something to me."  
  
He let go of my hand and I rubbed it, trying to get some warmth  
back into it.  
  
"Tara," he said.  
  
"Yes, Spike?"  
  
"Does this mean you don't hate me?"  
  
I looked him in the eyes.  
  
"William," I said, even though I knew he hated being reminded of  
what he was, "William, I could never hate you, but you can make  
me angrier than anyone else, even Willow."  
  
He said, "Got me under your skin, don't you?"  
  
I said, "You know you are. Come on, walk me home."  
  
He nodded.  
  
We started to walk.  
  
Something that had been niggling at the back of my mind came to  
the front and before I could censure the thought, it came out.  
  
"What was that with you and Halfrek?"  
  
He looked everywhere but at me.  
  
"Oh, that was Cecily."  
  
The light came on.  
  
"Really?"  
  
He saw my smile and he said, almost panicking, "Don't you dare  
tell Buffy!"  
  
I smiled wider.  
  
"Who, me? You should know me better than that, Spike. Haven't I  
always kept your secrets?"  
  
He relaxed, letting out a held breath and I chuckled.  
  
I said, "You know, Spike, for being a vampire, you're just a  
little insecure."  
  
"Well, for a sorceress, you act like a saint."  
  
I smiled at him.  
  
"Thank you, Spike."  
  
And the stars looked down on us, an unlikely pair, both wiser and  
just a little bit older.  
  
End. 


End file.
